Websites, SEO and Digital Marketing
on time and on budget

…when I thought it was rude that a client asked me for my FAQ. I said FAQ you too 🙂

because it’s the closest thing to steroids for my business…without actually selling steroids.

Because a client asked for a banner ad and laughed when I said the front of my business wasn’t big enough for a banner.

because no one ever said “Awww, I wish this page loaded slower.”

because I need to show people my
inventory, not just my CV.

because I’m a web vegan and only consume 100 percent organic content.

because our company needs to be in the hands of our clients, literally and figuratively.

My CSS is a mess, my HTML is shakey, my PHP is out the door and I’m afraid I’m SOL!

…when a client asked me if I “tweet” and I said I was always more a Sylvester guy.

I want my site to be lion! It’s currently a small dog that’s been frightened by thunder and wee’d on the carpet.

because my competitor offered to pay me to keep it as bad as it is.

because I also want to be able to scroll through our products on my phone instead of engaging in conversation in public.

because I couldn’t find my business card and a kid yelled “404 Page Not Found.” I’m not sure what it means but I know a website would help.

because the only thing the yellow pages are good for is swatting flies, holding open doors and tests of strength with body builders.

because I don’t like being asked how I like working for gmail.com or Hotmail.

because unless you are on a trampoline, no one likes a high bounce rate.

because I want better word-of-mouth marketing than “What? You don’t have an app?”

because everyone has a phone in their pocket and no room for a spandex wearing sign twirling person.

because when I tell clients I’m not in the app store they stick one-star stickers to my forehead.

because my C++ is more of a D minus

Because my host needs cookies, and I can’t bake.

because “please” is not the keyword that’ll get me to the top of the search results.

because I don’t want my site to be John Cena.

because unlike a new litter of puppies, duplicate content is not adorable.

because my HTML5 is stuck in 3rd

When a co-worker asked if I had Skeuomorphism I said I felt fine.

…I just realised the 9000 flyers I just got printed have the wrong phone number on them. Need any scrap paper?

because when people google me all they get is my blog of poetry. From high school.

because when I googled the one I made the search result was “Did you mean NO?”

…to give the latest information to my clients instead of getting them the information late.

because my keywords are so bad their random-key-that-I-don’t-know-what-it-goes-to-that-I-found-in-a-draw-words.

… because my Facebook is too personal, my Twitter is too simple, my LinkedIn is a mess and my Instagram is full of FOOD!

I need a professional website because I hate it when I give out my site as www.freedomain.com/archive/free/plain/unoriginal.html

because the same finger that could dial our number could “buy it now” from the app.

because preparing my business for the future didn’t mean building a time machine…. sadly.

I can’t find the bedazzler for fonts…and nor should I.

As a web designer I make a damn fine astronaut.

because I’m tired of people thinking my business phone number starts with 404.

because the only java I know comes in regular and decaf.

because it’s the closest a business can get to being in the consumers home…without police being involved.

because my search results listing is so low my server is on anti-depressants.

because when I was asked about ideal pixel size….I said about an inch/centermeter

because people using their phones while in the restroom is a key demographic.

because it’ll be easier to promote new products via push notifications…and my haikus.

I truly am a photoshop artist….Jackson Pollack

apparently putting GIF flames on all pictures is not cool anymore.

because my website is so well hidden, I can’t even find it.

because I can’t think of a good keyword for a key maker that doesn’t involve keys.

Because I found my Masonry Grid…..jarring. I’ll see myself out.

But when a client tried to finger swipe my brochure to see more pictures, I thought it was time.

Because when they asked if I wanted to see the mock up I said “No, it’s a serious site.”

because I asked my intelligent personal assistant to go to my site and it said, “And you are?”

It’s awkward to tell people to send their inquiries to SuperStudMuffin64@hotmail.com

because I want my business to be in their pocket and access their back pocket (or whatever pocket they keep their wallet).

When I showed my friend my site he said “Oh, cute, you five year old made his first website.”

because up till now I thought SEO stood for Send Emergency Oreos. I kinda wish it still did.

because I need to connect with those on the go so potential sales don’t go with them.

When asked if I was going to have any Flash Content, I said it wasn’t an adult site.

because not even a golfer could make out my backlinks.

because I think the term “User backend” is a euphemism.

because playing tic-tac-toe via a fax machine has been deemed “too hipster” of a mobile game.

because my competition has one with a dinosaur game…I’m the dinosaur.

because my flyers were called “retro” by a young customer.

because my logo image source is “search-ms:displayname=Imported%20Pictures%20and%20Videos&crumb=location:C%3A%5CUsers%5Cpc%5CPictures%5CLogo”

Because I can’t remember the login to my geocities account.

because someone asked me about my Custom Style Class and I said “business casual.”

…when a client asked me for my contact and look puzzled because I said “but I need them to see.”

because it’s the safest way to play in busy traffic.

because then spending time on my phone is tax deductible (editor’s note: probably not.)

Because a client asked me what customer management system I used and I said index card.

Cause when I client asked if it was Retina ready, I said you can look at it with any eyes.