Websites, SEO and Digital Marketing
on time and on budget

because the only thing the yellow pages are good for is swatting flies, holding open doors and tests of strength with body builders.

because my flyers were called “retro” by a young customer.

because my search results listing is so low my server is on anti-depressants.

Cause when I client asked if it was Retina ready, I said you can look at it with any eyes.

because I want my business to be in their pocket and access their back pocket (or whatever pocket they keep their wallet).

My CSS is a mess, my HTML is shakey, my PHP is out the door and I’m afraid I’m SOL!

because I think the term “User backend” is a euphemism.

because our company needs to be in the hands of our clients, literally and figuratively.

because I don’t want my site to be John Cena.

because the only java I know comes in regular and decaf.

because unlike a new litter of puppies, duplicate content is not adorable.

because my logo image source is “search-ms:displayname=Imported%20Pictures%20and%20Videos&crumb=location:C%3A%5CUsers%5Cpc%5CPictures%5CLogo”

I want my site to be lion! It’s currently a small dog that’s been frightened by thunder and wee’d on the carpet.

because my competition has one with a dinosaur game…I’m the dinosaur.

because everyone has a phone in their pocket and no room for a spandex wearing sign twirling person.

because it’s the closest thing to steroids for my business…without actually selling steroids.

because someone asked me about my Custom Style Class and I said “business casual.”

because I need to show people my
inventory, not just my CV.

…to give the latest information to my clients instead of getting them the information late.

When I showed my friend my site he said “Oh, cute, you five year old made his first website.”

Because I can’t remember the login to my geocities account.

It’s awkward to tell people to send their inquiries to SuperStudMuffin64@hotmail.com

because “please” is not the keyword that’ll get me to the top of the search results.

because preparing my business for the future didn’t mean building a time machine…. sadly.

because not even a golfer could make out my backlinks.

… because my Facebook is too personal, my Twitter is too simple, my LinkedIn is a mess and my Instagram is full of FOOD!

When asked if I was going to have any Flash Content, I said it wasn’t an adult site.

…when I thought it was rude that a client asked me for my FAQ. I said FAQ you too 🙂

because I don’t like being asked how I like working for gmail.com or Hotmail.

because I couldn’t find my business card and a kid yelled “404 Page Not Found.” I’m not sure what it means but I know a website would help.

because unless you are on a trampoline, no one likes a high bounce rate.

…I just realised the 9000 flyers I just got printed have the wrong phone number on them. Need any scrap paper?

because up till now I thought SEO stood for Send Emergency Oreos. I kinda wish it still did.

because my C++ is more of a D minus

because no one ever said “Awww, I wish this page loaded slower.”

because people using their phones while in the restroom is a key demographic.

because my HTML5 is stuck in 3rd

Because when they asked if I wanted to see the mock up I said “No, it’s a serious site.”

Because a client asked me what customer management system I used and I said index card.

because I asked my intelligent personal assistant to go to my site and it said, “And you are?”

because when I was asked about ideal pixel size….I said about an inch/centermeter

Because a client asked for a banner ad and laughed when I said the front of my business wasn’t big enough for a banner.

because then spending time on my phone is tax deductible (editor’s note: probably not.)

because it’s the closest a business can get to being in the consumers home…without police being involved.

because playing tic-tac-toe via a fax machine has been deemed “too hipster” of a mobile game.

because when I tell clients I’m not in the app store they stick one-star stickers to my forehead.

Because I found my Masonry Grid…..jarring. I’ll see myself out.

because I can’t think of a good keyword for a key maker that doesn’t involve keys.

I can’t find the bedazzler for fonts…and nor should I.

because it’ll be easier to promote new products via push notifications…and my haikus.

…when a client asked me if I “tweet” and I said I was always more a Sylvester guy.

But when a client tried to finger swipe my brochure to see more pictures, I thought it was time.

because when I googled the one I made the search result was “Did you mean NO?”

because my keywords are so bad their random-key-that-I-don’t-know-what-it-goes-to-that-I-found-in-a-draw-words.

As a web designer I make a damn fine astronaut.

because my website is so well hidden, I can’t even find it.

because it’s the safest way to play in busy traffic.

because I want better word-of-mouth marketing than “What? You don’t have an app?”

…when a client asked me for my contact and look puzzled because I said “but I need them to see.”

because I’m tired of people thinking my business phone number starts with 404.

because I also want to be able to scroll through our products on my phone instead of engaging in conversation in public.

because the same finger that could dial our number could “buy it now” from the app.

because I’m a web vegan and only consume 100 percent organic content.

because I need to connect with those on the go so potential sales don’t go with them.

because when people google me all they get is my blog of poetry. From high school.

Because my host needs cookies, and I can’t bake.

I need a professional website because I hate it when I give out my site as www.freedomain.com/archive/free/plain/unoriginal.html

because my competitor offered to pay me to keep it as bad as it is.

When a co-worker asked if I had Skeuomorphism I said I felt fine.

apparently putting GIF flames on all pictures is not cool anymore.

I truly am a photoshop artist….Jackson Pollack