Websites, SEO and Digital Marketing
on time and on budget

…when a client asked me for my contact and look puzzled because I said “but I need them to see.”

because my search results listing is so low my server is on anti-depressants.

because it’s the closest a business can get to being in the consumers home…without police being involved.

My CSS is a mess, my HTML is shakey, my PHP is out the door and I’m afraid I’m SOL!

because it’s the closest thing to steroids for my business…without actually selling steroids.

because I’m tired of people thinking my business phone number starts with 404.

because people using their phones while in the restroom is a key demographic.

apparently putting GIF flames on all pictures is not cool anymore.

because I want better word-of-mouth marketing than “What? You don’t have an app?”

because my logo image source is “search-ms:displayname=Imported%20Pictures%20and%20Videos&crumb=location:C%3A%5CUsers%5Cpc%5CPictures%5CLogo”

because then spending time on my phone is tax deductible (editor’s note: probably not.)

I can’t find the bedazzler for fonts…and nor should I.

because I need to show people my
inventory, not just my CV.

Because I can’t remember the login to my geocities account.

because “please” is not the keyword that’ll get me to the top of the search results.

because everyone has a phone in their pocket and no room for a spandex wearing sign twirling person.

Because when they asked if I wanted to see the mock up I said “No, it’s a serious site.”

I truly am a photoshop artist….Jackson Pollack

…to give the latest information to my clients instead of getting them the information late.

I need a professional website because I hate it when I give out my site as www.freedomain.com/archive/free/plain/unoriginal.html

because when I googled the one I made the search result was “Did you mean NO?”

because I think the term “User backend” is a euphemism.

because unlike a new litter of puppies, duplicate content is not adorable.

…when I thought it was rude that a client asked me for my FAQ. I said FAQ you too 🙂

When a co-worker asked if I had Skeuomorphism I said I felt fine.

because my competitor offered to pay me to keep it as bad as it is.

… because my Facebook is too personal, my Twitter is too simple, my LinkedIn is a mess and my Instagram is full of FOOD!

…when a client asked me if I “tweet” and I said I was always more a Sylvester guy.

because my HTML5 is stuck in 3rd

It’s awkward to tell people to send their inquiries to SuperStudMuffin64@hotmail.com

because up till now I thought SEO stood for Send Emergency Oreos. I kinda wish it still did.

Because my host needs cookies, and I can’t bake.

because not even a golfer could make out my backlinks.

because my keywords are so bad their random-key-that-I-don’t-know-what-it-goes-to-that-I-found-in-a-draw-words.

because the only thing the yellow pages are good for is swatting flies, holding open doors and tests of strength with body builders.

because preparing my business for the future didn’t mean building a time machine…. sadly.

I want my site to be lion! It’s currently a small dog that’s been frightened by thunder and wee’d on the carpet.

because my competition has one with a dinosaur game…I’m the dinosaur.

because it’s the safest way to play in busy traffic.

Cause when I client asked if it was Retina ready, I said you can look at it with any eyes.

because I need to connect with those on the go so potential sales don’t go with them.

because I can’t think of a good keyword for a key maker that doesn’t involve keys.

because when I tell clients I’m not in the app store they stick one-star stickers to my forehead.

because I don’t want my site to be John Cena.

When asked if I was going to have any Flash Content, I said it wasn’t an adult site.

because playing tic-tac-toe via a fax machine has been deemed “too hipster” of a mobile game.

because unless you are on a trampoline, no one likes a high bounce rate.

When I showed my friend my site he said “Oh, cute, you five year old made his first website.”

because the same finger that could dial our number could “buy it now” from the app.

because I want my business to be in their pocket and access their back pocket (or whatever pocket they keep their wallet).

because my website is so well hidden, I can’t even find it.

Because a client asked for a banner ad and laughed when I said the front of my business wasn’t big enough for a banner.

But when a client tried to finger swipe my brochure to see more pictures, I thought it was time.

Because a client asked me what customer management system I used and I said index card.

because I asked my intelligent personal assistant to go to my site and it said, “And you are?”

because the only java I know comes in regular and decaf.

Because I found my Masonry Grid…..jarring. I’ll see myself out.

because it’ll be easier to promote new products via push notifications…and my haikus.

because I also want to be able to scroll through our products on my phone instead of engaging in conversation in public.

because no one ever said “Awww, I wish this page loaded slower.”

because I couldn’t find my business card and a kid yelled “404 Page Not Found.” I’m not sure what it means but I know a website would help.

because someone asked me about my Custom Style Class and I said “business casual.”

because my C++ is more of a D minus

…I just realised the 9000 flyers I just got printed have the wrong phone number on them. Need any scrap paper?

because I don’t like being asked how I like working for gmail.com or Hotmail.

because my flyers were called “retro” by a young customer.

because I’m a web vegan and only consume 100 percent organic content.

because our company needs to be in the hands of our clients, literally and figuratively.

As a web designer I make a damn fine astronaut.

because when I was asked about ideal pixel size….I said about an inch/centermeter

because when people google me all they get is my blog of poetry. From high school.